Beneath the Iceberg: Mapping Out Tantrums

Tantrums: Triggers and Origins

Inexplicable as they might appear to the adult, tantrums, meltdowns and emotional outbreaks do have a real trigger for the toddler experiencing them. The trigger can be anything from trivial and imperceptible, such as a schedule re-arrangement, a physical inconvenience, to a life-disrupting event for the child, such as bereavement over the loss of a pet, a major life/family change, expatriation. Tantrums are often the only reaction at the hands of the children to express their developmental needs or innermost desires to their caregivers. Developing children need space, time and compassionate guidance in order to perform everyday tasks on their own. Children’s perception of time is far different from the adults’ pressure for time management and commonly, this incongruity, becomes a source of routine conflicts or triggers tantrums. Put in practical terms, anticipating a toddler to tie their shoelaces might feel like an exasperating waste of time and energy for the busy parent. For the children’s immature fine-motor (dexterity) skills and their developing eye-hand coordination capacity, shoelace tying, is, in fact, a complex task, demanding sensory-motor mastery and coordination. For children, the liberty to perform daily, trite tasks by themselves, is not merely fun: it is also an integral part of their skills development. By denying the children the opportunity to exercise, master and acquire their natural, developmental abilities, adults ignite exasperation, as children -lacking the verbal repertoire- cannot express their indignation in any other alternative way. Therefore, they would shut down, melt down, cry out, lie down in the middle of the shopping centre. “Tantrums are a pretty normal part of life with children from around one (1) year to five (5) years. Hopefully, they’ll start a little later than one (1) year and will end earlier, but anything in this range is fairly normal” (The Montessori Notebook). Since tantrums are a ubiquitous, developmental-dependent function, an expression of nascent feelings as well as indicators of early emotional development, their misinterpretation as misdemeanor, ill-conduct or ungratefulness, is meaningless and unhelpful to all parts. As explained by Benaroya (2017), “expecting young children to master impulse control is like expecting them to multiply fractions; not realistic. Until about the age seven (7), they […] don’t have that rational brain that allows for planning, foresight, and considering others[…]”. “Tantrums are a part of the growing process in a toddler’s life” […]. “Tantrums are a way of indicating frustration or anger that the toddler is experiencing but can’t fully express” (Lifetime Montessori School). Absorbing the Repercussions The beneficial addressing of tantrums is time-consuming. Wise time-management techniques abound, though: in the event of the shoelace tying “trial period”, in order to mitigate the tantrum or the possibility of a tantrum, the adult can start the school-preparation routine roughly an hour prior to the normal schedule. In a time-effective perspective: making time provision for the shoelace tying morning challenge, the child is effortlessly granted the freedom to exercise the task alone. Much less, the mental distress normally provoked by tantrums, drain both the child and the adult- mentally and physically. The one-hour beforehand rule is a proactive and beneficial strategy (which can be applied depending on the development stage of each child and the quality of the task). Angry or violent reactions often feel to be an unavoidable choice in the sight of a panicked child, but threats and shaming are no strategies of addressing-they are means of suppressing. To impose punishment, to use threats or violence is meaningless, as children are not able to understand the reason of their parents’ angry reaction: children do see the incoming behaviour, but their developing mind prevents them from paralleling it to the anterior behaviour towards the parent; Infuriated reactions are perceived as disproportionate or irrational. There is a blaring discordance between their feelings and desires with the generated outcome. To toddlers, tantrums are an effort for connection and communication. Silencing an upset child by means of tough discipline, deceives the adult into thinking that yelling, threatening are necessary evils and, as such, inevitable to parenting. In the short-term, shouting eventually imposes silence, but this silencing is only external-out of the fear of punishment. Threatened children are not reassured, their minds are still confused. This is the onset of the normalization of fear and humiliation. When suppressed, children are not offered explanations, hence they cannot understand the reason of being shouted. In the long-run, children will eventually regress or deteriorate, as: • their original needs have not been met • they have been forced to stifle their feelings (children should be trained to identify and express their feelings, even the negative ones: primarily those) • they will end up disregarding and withholding their feelings • They will refuge to stonewalling as an effective coping mechanism • They will internalise shame. Instead, the child should be psychoeducated in order to be enabled to: • Identify their feelings • Identify the source of the discomfort • Be able to communicate feelings of inconvenience to the adult calmly and effectively • Accept their feelings • Accept the discomfort-compromise • Monitor reactions to the stimuli • Comfort themselves Frustration can easily be generated during a tantrum. Yet, “when you respond with empathy rather than exasperation or outrage, your children are far less likely to resist or retaliate” (Benaroya, 2017). The adult’s despondence is ascribed to factors not genuinely linked to the tantrum per se. Parents can feel that the child’s negation, for example, to spend the weekend with their grandparents, as an additional burden to their already demanding life. Parental shortage of patience to support the child through the tantrum can also be attributed to their own discomfort with their feelings: adults who neglect their inner child are prone to mismanaging their child’s tantrums. Lastly, learned behaviours automatically echoed prevent the parent from processing a child’s emotional crisis appropriately. It feels counterintuitive to dissect the behaviour of one’s own parents/primary caregivers, let alone to deconstruct, reject them and adopt new ones. Real-Life Parenting and Pedagogy Many caregivers, upon being presented with pedagogical feedback on tantrums and management techniques, would juxtapose that pedagogical methods are nothing but theoretical discourse- armchair criticism of little practical value. Soft discipline feels unrealistic to many parents who are constantly running out of time, means and patience to experience children’s tantrums, especially when they break out in public or before family relatives and acquaintances-making them highly sensitive to criticism and putting them on the defensive. Society is not sensitive towards its juveniles’ needs: It is expected from children to behave like miniature adults, whereas docility and passivity are openly approved. Public spaces are not children-friendly in terms of design, equipment or furnishing. Parents and caregivers who visit an agency or a civil service department are silently expected either not to bring children along, or, immobilize and silence them when they do. In the best-case scenario, this societal demand is unsustainable. By default, children grow bored or inconvenient in places wherein they cannot be curious or creative. Tantrums are common in public places, and there is no reason for parents to feel ashamed, let alone guilty: • Onlookers who have children will understand and sympathize, • Onlookers who don’t have children will understand and sympathize later. If you kneel and remain open towards the distressed child, chances are that that the tantrum will start to allay. Normally, once we feel that our complaints are been heard, and our feelings are validated, our angst starts receding. If a tantrum goes out of hand, “there are basically two (2) options: 1. To go home-if you find it difficult to have people watching you, it’s best to just leave. 2. Stay and support them-hang in there and do what you would do even though you are out of the house” (The Montessori Notebook). In either case, “yelling […] will only aggravate [them], prolonging the tantrum […]. It is essential to stay calm and maintain authority”[…] (Lifetime Montessori School). Remember that during the tantrum and the meltdown, your child undergoes an emotional difficulty, maybe an unprecedented feeling, a predicament, which they cannot convey as they lack the appropriate apparatus. “Studies have [repeatedly] shown the benefits of human touch; try to gather your toddler in a warm hug. Talk to [them] rationally while holding [them]. Explain that you understand why [they] are angry […]. Sometimes, putting [their] feelings into words is all [they] need to calm down” (Lifetime Montessori School). Articulating the cause of distress enables to vent the stress and uneasiness. Toddlers have not fully acquired language, which exacerbates the experienced despair. This is the reason why “expectations for impulse control [should be kept] age-appropriate. Toddlers and preschoolers’ brains are still very much under construction” (Benaroya, 2017). Accept. Be present. Connect. Repeat. “Many believe that parenting is about controlling children’s behaviour and training them to act like adults. I believe that parenting is about controlling my own behaviour and acting like and adult myself. Children learn what they live and live what they learn”. L.R Knost References Benaroya, M. (2017). Five Effective Ways to Respond to Tantrums and Meltdowns. https://www.heysigmund.com/how-to-respond-to-tantrums/. [last accessed: 21-07-2020]. “Dealing with Tantrums”. The Montessori Notebook. https://www.themontessorinotebook.com/dealing-with-tantrums/ [last accessed: 16-07-2020]. McTamaney, C. (2020). Man Cannot Do Without His Religions. https://www.montessoridaoshi.com/single-post/2020/04/09/Man-cannot-do-without-his-religions?cid=86110b0f-5b52-4f8d-96e7-fd9a7a912190&utm_campaign=8fe6c7d7-691d-450a-81e9-dd1198630050&utm_medium=mail&utm_source=so/ [last accessed: 19-07-2020]. “Tantrums are a Part of Growing”. Lifetime Montessori School. https://www.themontessorinotebook.com/dealing-with-tantrums/ .[last accessed: 16-06-2020].